by Diana Daffner

Many couples find that their lovemaking, perhaps hot and passionate at one time, has now become unbearably infrequent - for known or unknown reasons - or has entered the all too common 3-2-1 phase: 3 minutes of foreplay, 2 minutes of intercourse and 1 orgasm, usually his.

Your experience may differ - same pattern, more (or less) time, or maybe both of you do reach climax but are still missing that hoped-for feeling of “intimacy,” that deep soul connection that you want to share with your partner.

Congratulations! If you are reading this, you are among the forefront of couples who realize that your relationship has the potential to be a fabulous vehicle for joyous love! And you want to turn that possibility into a real experience, one that you can create at will, and enjoy on a regular basis.

In the past, we didn’t demand so much from our relationships. Marriage was mainly expected to provide comfort and safety, financially and socially, for us and our children. Now we want more. We want happiness. The dictionary definition of happiness says that it is characterized by good luck; fortunate. As if it didn’t depend on us, as if happiness is kind of like the lottery, something you hope to win.

Ancient spiritual teachings present a different notion of happiness, one that is especially accessible to would-be lovers. The path of Tantra suggests that we are happiest, filled with an abiding sense of bliss, when we are in touch with our inner vitality, the subtle energy of our life force.

Most importantly, for those of us committed to the journey of relationship, when we align this inner energy with our partner’s, when we consciously join in a Synchronized Energy eXchange, we are rewarded with a heightened union of intimacy, a deep happiness in the sexual core of our being.

So what is Synchronized Energy eXchange? It is an easy process of centering ourselves, and allowing our partner, our beloved, to be there with us. It is an approach to lovemaking that turns us away from the endless pursuit of climax and instead turns us toward the transcendent love within our hearts.

Today’s scientific findings gives support to the ancient teachings. Intimacy is good for us, it floods our bodies with neurochemicals that strengthen our health and well-being.

When you attend an Intimacy Retreat, you learn to develop Synchronized Energy eXchange through Tantra Tai Chi and other practices specifically designed to create emotional closeness and sexual fulfillment. You learn about Peaceful Passion. You can also read about all of this in the book, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples.

Take your relationship to a new level by approaching SEX as a Synchronized Energy eXchange!

Our audio-CD, “Lessons in Intimacy…The Lover’s Touch” provides you with an at-home guided experience.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

Soulful loving includes romance, yet is more than romance. Soulful loving includes sex, yet is more than sex. Soulful loving is embracing your Beloved in body, heart and mind, allowing the deepest part of your being to be seen and touched. Soulful loving has an enduring quality, its effects lasting far longer than the moment itself. When soulful loving is part of our life, it affects every part of our life, infusing our days with a brightness that comes from within. At night, we sleep with the innocence and peacefulness of deep contentment.

Soulful loving takes place when our sexual energy merges with the flow of love in our hearts. We look into our Beloved’s eyes and see a reflection of our own happiness.

The delicious merging of love and sex can happen spontaneously, especially when two people are newly in love. Driven by hormones and desire, their bodies and hearts bond together with thrilling excitement and tender joy.

Sometimes it is inspired by the exquisite beauty of nature or an especially meaningful occasion. In front of the fireplace on a rustic winter holiday, at home after toasting a particularly happy anniversary…

Soulful loving is what we hope to experience with our chosen life partner, why we walk down the aisle, why we bravely step into the challenging path of committed relationship.

Yet, too often, the comfort of no longer needing to attract or court our partner leads to a deficit of soul-bonding and a withering of such intimate moments.

A Chinese proverb states that “Young love is of the earth; mature love is from heaven.”

Mature love demonstrates a ripening of sexual and spiritual knowledge and skills. In a long-term committed relationship, mature soulful loving may require some conscious intention and a little training, but it is well worth the effort! And it is equally, if not more, rewarding, than at the beginning.

Purposefully raising the vibration, the frequency and the pleasure of sexual activity in your relationship can bring incredibly powerful and joyous benefits to body, mind and spirit!

But how do you do that, you may ask? How do you find the time, the interest, the desire, the skill for soulful loving?

There is a growing library of books to read, workshops to attend. There is the laboratory of your own bedroom, your own sacred space. Soulful loving is a sexual joining that begins with intention, rather than arousal. And, unlike the conventional pattern of sex play, which ends with the separate release of genital tension, soulful loving concludes with both partners in a shared and heightened state of spiritual union! Orgasm is transformed into an ongoing experience of energy flow and bliss, rather than an individual objective or ending point.

Tantra, an ancient spiritual teaching, provides us with tools and practices that help us bring our full attention to the present moment. Whether it is the taste of a strawberry or the touch of wind on our skin, the scent of our Beloved, or the softness of silk sheets, each moment becomes “Tantric” when experienced fully. Even so-called negative emotions, such as anger and fear, can be encountered as the sensory truth of the moment. All experience becomes a doorway through which we can step out of our personal story of separation and into a spiritual experience of oneness and authentic presence.

We don’t have to wait for the starlit night or the candlelight dinner, although either or both may help create a supportive atmosphere. Soulful loving with a Beloved is the activity of being present and sexual, open and receptive. It is about being alive in all of our senses, aware of our internal energy and passionate and communicative about our commitment to one another, and to our own soul.

© Copyright 2002 Diana Daffner.  All Rights Reserved.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

I know, everyone talks about letting go these days. Although I have been talking about it LONG before it became in vogue, let me share something with you that has absolutely changed my life. It is not something new, but SOMETHING THAT WORKS and my guess is, can change your life as well.

This tip is about admitting that you actually do have something you want to “let go of” or change in your life. I know, and I bet you do to, LOTS of folks who BELIEVE that only others have stuff. When they see the title of my book, the first thing they say is, “I know exactly who needs this…” and they often get it as a gift to give away - and that is a good thing.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? Perhaps you are in denial about your stuff. Only you know. WHAT CHANGED MY LIFE is being able to accept that I, as the author of the book titled Letting Go of Stuff, have stuff too. YES! I have stuff.

Everyone has stuff, something they want to change about themselves. The key is to ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE that you have stuff. Many are in denial. SO, how do you know when you have stuff and what can be done to get you to the point in which you accept it, so you can LET IT GO?

Well first, we have to DEFINE STUFF to know whether we have it. Stuff is defined in my book (p. 2) as the intangible, random thoughts that keep you from being able to accomplish what you want in life. Guilt, shame, frustration, anger, dislikes for ones self, holding on to past events as if they happened today, and the like. That is stuff. Some of us live and flounder in stuff. Some of us have an innate ability to shake things off, and keep moving forward. Either way, we all have stuff and there is not avoiding that fact. A great question is, “how to we manage our stuff”, and thus, let it go?

Well, a part of letting go of stuff is in what we say to ourselves about our
“stuff”. The internal conversation is key. Talking to your self is not a problem. The challenge is in what you say to your self. The MOST POWERFUL conversations you will ever have, are the ones you have with your SELF. That is the conversation that you will believe in the most, whether you realize it or not. That is the conversation that your subconscious reacts to, which leads to your overt actions.

In chapter three (p. 35) of my book I quote the theologian Martin Luther. He is credited with saying, “Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things we do not see.” He is not referring to he things we cannot see in the darkness, but the things we fail to recognize in the light. When a person is in denial of having “stuff” they are living as a blind person. It is only when you begin to recognize and face your stuff, that you truly begin to see.

Accepting and acknowledging that you have stuff is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. It is an indication of how much you truly love YOU. Do you love self? I know that for some of us, we have to overcome many internal conversations before we can even admit to loving ourselves. For example, part of the internal conversation that some people have to deal with before they can actually claim love for self is that loving one�s self is being too selfish. This kind of thinking can only lead to feelings of guilt, anguish, and frustration. The fact is that we are love, we were all created out of love, the Universe/God is love, so therefore loving one’s self is part of the natural order of things. This is why, when you don’t love yourself, there is so much anguish and feelings of frustration (among other things). You are going against the natural order of things when you don’t love YOU.

Letting Go of Stuff is also about getting to know your self. When I coach people who are having relationship challenges, I don’t suggest that they work things out with their partner or spouse, I begin initially with looking inside of that person. You see, we have to first develop a relationship with SELF before we develop a relationship with anyone else. Here is the kicker “if you can’t get along with your self”, then what makes you think you will get along with anyone else? Think about it.

Take the time to examine your life and your stuff. What do you want to change, make better, and let go of? Use your courage to face your STUFF, acknowledge your STUFF, and then begin the process of Letting Go of Stuff. Begin today!!

You owe it to your self AND you deserve it.

Until next time!
Darren L. Johnson
The Letting Go Pro

Darren L Johnson is an expert on Letting Go of Stuff® and is known as the Letting Go Pro. He has written and published numerous articles on letting go. In 1994 Darren created and began teaching Letting Go of Stuff®.

During his twenty-five year career stint, Darren has worked with fortune 100 companies such as General Motors and Nissan, USA. As a speaker and consultant he combines personal experience, theory on change, and proven methods - all leading to success for his clients in the process of letting go of stuff.

In 2009 he founded the National Letting Go of Stuff Day and in 2007 founded a 501c3 NGO called the Global Business & Organization Development Foundation.

1. Sit back and enjoy (or at least tolerate) the tumble.

Realize that feeling a little bad is no big deal. Understand that the down feelings are only temporary-don’t get sadder because you’re sad.

2. Do something active.

Go for a walk, ride your bike, play with your kids, etc.

3. Talk it out Go to your room and beat up your pillow scream into it… let it all out. Then leave your room and everything that happened there.

4. Have a good cry.

Let it out, don’t feel silly or stupid, crying is our defense mechanism. It helps us heal.

5. Try and Try again-then quit.

“As kids and adolescents, we have ideas of what life will bring, we hang on to them even when life dictates that these ideas are unrealistic.” says Arnold H Gessel, M.D.

Casing elusive goals can lead to depression. This is when you simply have to say “I’ve given it my best shot” and give up.

6. Exercise.

7. Pick up a box of crayons.

Draw your feelings, whether the page is totally black because you’re sad or red because you’re angry…let it out in your drawings. I love this process!

8. Find something really boring to do.

Clean the floors with a toothbrush, boring yes but your mind will be on the floors not what’s bothering you.

9. Slow down.

10. Avoid making major decisions.

11. Treat others with respect.

12. STAY out of department stores…

Shopping will only cause you to get more depressed, especially if your depression comes from money woes. I learned this the hard way, its better to find another way to combat the blues then shopping because in a month when that credit card bill comes in it will only send you into another depression mood and sometimes will lead to you berating yourself for only causing more stress.

13. Close the refrigerator

Don’t eat when your bored, depressed, or angry…. that will only make you feel worse.

Get out of the house instead, play with your kids, run, walk, ride your bike

We all find that there is so much going on in our lives and we don’t seem to be able to find a few minutes for ourselves. I know I am very guilty of this myself…I may be writing on ways to “pamper” yourself everyday, but that doesn’t mean I’m always on top of it myself.

So I thought I would, when I’m making out my to do list or writing down things in my calendar to, actually schedule 5 minutes (more if you can) for “me time” whether it be exercise, a long hot undisturbed bath or just something I’ve been wanting to do (scrap booking, crafts, etc.)

Just use:

your calendar or date book

a colored pen

a timer

Write in your journal add to your comfort kit, etc.
NO PRESSURE!!! Do it when you know you have time that ways you can actually enjoy it and not feel guilty!

-Rebbekah White

I have known Lynn Taylor for what seems like forever We met online several years ago while networking and have worked together on projects, Lynn has been a wonderful support to me over the years with both personal and business matters. Now it is my turn to return her undying love and support.

Lynn’s husband Tracy is in need of a kidney transplant. Below you will find information about Tracy and how you can help!

The economy has hit this family hard and even though they have insurance, they need our financial support to help defray the costs of a kidney transplant that are NOT covered by insurance. Out of pocket expenses include travel, co-pays, medicines, etc.

Tracy Taylor is a man with character and integrity. He served for several years as a volunteer fireman, saving lives and property without a paycheck. Now it’s time for that wonderful character to be saved by us. Imagine watching your father die of kidney failure far too young, then being diagnosed with it yourself! Tracy Taylor endures daily dialysis treatments and has been on the kidney transplant list at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis for a year.

Tracy has 4 sons: Jesse 20, Kevin 17, Bobby 14, and Cory 11. He has been blessed by a loving, supportive wife, Lynn.

If there is a way you can help, step forward, make a difference, and have fun doing it!

They are in need of:

1) spread the word to be an organ donor
2) cash donations to help cover medical expenses
3) cash donations to help cover any food we do not get donated
4) people to attend our dinner dance auction
5) donations non monetary- but donation such as gift baskets etc.

Cash donations can be made at any US Bank in the name of  Tracy A. Taylor Benefit Donation Account

or

National Transplant Assistance Fund
150 N. Radnor Chester Rd  Ste F-120
Radnor, PA  19087
in Honor of Tracy Taylor

Thank you to all who can help in anyway!

Rebbekah White

by Diana Daffner

Men enjoy sex. (Yes, of course, that’s a generalization.) They appreciate sex as a release, a satisfying outlet for their masculine energy. They rarely question whether or not it’s good for them. (At least, not since they learned they wouldn’t go blind…) They may suspect that women have different feelings about it but they’re not really sure what that means or what to do about it. They think that if they have sex with their partner, any emotional distancing will be resolved or dissolved and they’ll both feel intimate again.

Of course, men don’t actually use words like “emotionally distant” but they do recognize when they feel intimate with their spouse, their partner. It’s not always or only about sex. They might be aware of a special shared intimacy while gazing together at their sleeping child, or a beautiful sunset. However, men are mostly aware of feeling intimate during actual physical intimacy.

I (Richard) am probably typical of most men - we define intimacy as the act of being intimate. I (Diana) consider this a circular definition.

Women like to feel intimate before having sex. They appreciate sex as a loving expression of intimate commitment, a manifestation of their heart’s longing for closeness.

Yes, another generalization. There are many men with low sexual interest and lots of women who enjoy recreational sex without needing to feel intimate. For the rest of us though, the above generalizations seems to be pretty accurate.

So, unfortunately, couples often find themselves on opposite sides of a gender divide. Which should come first, the emotional experience of intimacy or the intimately physical activity itself? Or, more directly put, the heart or the genitals? There we go again - using non-male language. Guys rarely talk in terms of their “heart.” They’re much more likely to think that their emotions are stored in - and expressed through - their genitals. (”See how much I love you?!”)

Women, on the other hand, are more inclined to express emotions verbally. They often feel compelled to engage a male partner in emotionally-laden dialog. This is a challenge for most guys. Recent research shows that due to brain wiring, men may be less able than women to feel and speak at the same time.

Luckily, there is hope for this “Mars” and “Venus” dilemma. An ancient spiritual path from India, called Tantra, has come to the rescue of relationships caught in the confusion of stereotypical masculine/feminine viewpoints. Couples can learn to merge the intention and the action, the feeling and the behavior of intimacy. They can learn to share their love in a way that touches the true essence behind his physical desire and her emotional longing.

Tantra was not originally designed as a marital enhancement program. It was meant to lead its practitioners to enlightenment. Yet these teachings, as well as similar teachings from other cultures, present the concept that our life force is fueled by sexual energy. You may be familiar with chakras - energy centers represented in the body at key positions along the spinal column. Well, the first chakra is found right at the base of the pelvic floor. Touching that very first chakra clearly falls within the boundaries defined by intimate activity.

Sexual energy is said to rise up (no pun) from the lower to the higher chakras. Midway up the body is found the heart chakra, in the center of the chest area. Vibrating with the frequency of universal and unconditional love, an open heart chakra also clears the way for the more personal love that a couple shares.

The old adage, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, was almost right. A little lower is probably more accurate. When a man is invited to explore his heart via a sexual experience, the connected pathway opens and expands to the mutual delight of both partners! The resulting embrace, the merging of soul to soul, is a delight that resonates way beyond both the physical and the emotional. It can literally take a couple into true spiritual union.

Tantra expects its practitioners to recognize the sacred in all of life. When intimate partners regard one another as truly sacred, the whole tone and purpose of lovemaking changes.

Tantric lovemaking validates the male logic that sexual connection is a doorway to intimate bonding. At the same time, through intentional, eyes-open focus, it endorses the female knowing that a deep level of heart-felt intimacy and presence is what puts the love into lovemaking.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

I called my friend in California one day to see how she was doing. During the conversation, she asked my opinion of the direction she was going with her life. She said she was up for a new management position, but neither she, nor some of her friends, thought she was ready for it. She was bored, because she was not in a relationship, and had no one to occupy her time. She really wanted to “find a man,” but in her spare time had started reading philosophical books.

As she continued, I listened intently. Eventually, she asked, “What do you think? Should I take the position or not?”

I asked, “Are you sure you want to hear my HONEST response to your question?”

“Yes!” she replied.

So I responded with three questions that would help her reflect on her own situation:

1. What do you really want to do with your life?

2. When was the last time you truly answered question 1 for yourself?

3. When was the last time you dreamed about your future?

“Because you are not involved with anyone,” I continued, “I would spend this time doing some real soul searching.”

I gave her the name of some good self-help books and suggested she spend her free time “GETTING TO KNOW HERSELF”, instead of looking for a MAN.

You’ve got to get to know yourself first, set your goals, and live your dreams. Otherwise, when you meet someone, you will end up following that person and living his/her dreams instead of your own. Develop a relationship with yourself first; learn to love you.

Some people are so afraid of getting to know themselves that they live and define their lives through the dreams and goals of others. How can a person be truly happy living someone else’s dream? My suggestion is to take the time to know you and to know what you want, and then develop relationships with others.

Letting Go of Stuff is about getting to know your self. When I coach people who are having relationship challenges, I don’t suggest that they work things out with their partner or spouse, I begin initially with looking inside of that person. You see, we have to first develop a relationship with SELF before we develop a relationship with anyone else. Here is the kicker  if you can’t get along with your self, then what makes you think you will get along with anyone else? Think about it.

Take the time to examine your life. What do you want to change, make better, and then let go of? Have the courage to face it, acknowledge it, then begin to make the changes.

You owe it to your self AND you deserve it.

Until next time!

Darren L. Johnson

Darren L Johnson is an expert on Letting Go of Stuff® and is known as the Letting Go Pro. He has written and published numerous articles on letting go. In 1994 Darren created and began teaching Letting Go of Stuff®.

Dareen L. Johnson “Letting Go Pro”

During his twenty-five year career stint, Darren has worked with fortune 100 companies such as General Motors and Nissan, USA. As a speaker and consultant he combines personal experience, theory on change, and proven methods - all leading to success for his clients in the process of letting go of stuff.

In 2009 he founded the National Letting Go of Stuff Day and in 2007 founded a 501c3 NGO called the Global Business & Organization Development Foundation.

by Rebbekah White

Some background here, I was raised in a Baptist background as was my husband and we both were taught to honor our mother, our father and our elders. For years I have been struggling with this concept, not because I don’t want to honor or “obey” those in my life who are older and wiser than me but because sometimes people in your life don’t treat you with respect or walk all over you, take advantage of you etc, etc.

So how do you deal with people who demand respect but shows respect to no one?

For instance a friend of mine has an adult male in her life who takes everything he can from those around him, always saying that everyone owes him something because he raised them or his daughter just owes him because she is his daughter HOWEVER this man is not honorable. He is mean spirited, drinks, is verbally and emotionally abusive, does things that really pushes this woman’s buttons and he does this on purpose to make her lose her temper and to start fights. He has even told people around him he likes to get her angry to start fights. He is mean to everyone around him, lazy, disrespectful to everyone, and truthfully is such a piece of work I know it is hard for her to show him any love let alone respect. He has done nasty things to the rest of the family, treats everyone around with no respect BUT DEMANDS respect from everyone that is within his circle of life whether he has earned it or not.

She asked me how to deal with a person like this short of walking away and never looking back. Truthfully I didn’t know what to say, because I have been struggling with this same question for years, till this morning when I was using Sylvia Browne’s “My Spiritual Reading Cards” a card just popped out of the deck, and from my own experience doing readings not only for myself but friends and family when a card pops out of a deck it means it is IMPORTANT!

So I pick up the card and low and behold this is what is said:

“You can only honor your mother & father -or anyone else- if these people are honorable”-Sylvia Brown “My Spiritual Reading Cards“

WOW! That hit home! Not only for my friends problem but also for situations in my own life. When dealing with people around you day in and day out, whether it be clients, family members, strangers etc don’t become a door mat because you were told to respect your elders or honor your parents. If they are not honorable, than you do have the choice of whether you honor them or not. I think sometimes those of us from the 70’s generation had the “priviledge” of having parents who were so immersed in bible reading and wanted to do what was best for their kids that maybe some things we were taught got so ingrained in our minds that we forget that we don’t have to be doormats to others! To respect others is an honor in my book, not something to be automatically given away to everyone just because of their age or position in life.

Don’t get me wrong, I respect everyone in my life, however I have come to a point in my life where if I am not treated with respect as well why should I continue to give to those around me. It does nothing but hurt you, your self-esteem, cause problems, and basically lowers yourself in the eyes of others.

I have had to deal with people in my life who thought I owed them something just because I was younger then they are, or people who thought I owed them life itself because they were the elders?! However these same people who pushed the “respect your elders” thought onto me had no respect for not only myself but other younger generations.

This is not to say we should not respect all people, however I say “If you cannot show me respect, then I do not need to respect you” Sounds harsh yes, I know even as I write this I cringe because of my own background and knowing how for years including in business I let people walk all over me because I felt I needed to be respectful, however when you give out respect I feel that should be an honor, not a priviledge that everyone receives. Some people do not deserve your respect, because they don’t care or give out respect of their own. You can still love these people HOWEVER you do not need to drop everything you are doing and take any (pardon my expression) crap from someone who cannot give you an ounce of respect back.

Ok, I am off my soapbox now, so what do you think?

Do you give everyone respect in your life, even to the ones who keep daily walking all over you? Or do you wait for someone to gain your respect  before you give it back?

When is there a point that you have had enough of someone taking and taking that you stand up and push back?

When you push back or rather fight for your sanity, is it disrepectful to do this when someone has done nothing in return? I don’t mean money, goods, services etc just plain ole respect back to you.

How many times do you let someone walk all over you before you stand up and say “I’ve had enough”?

Your thoughts are welcome! Please post them below.

-Rebbekah White

by Diana Daffner

What type of sex are you having?

Ancient texts from India describe human activity as falling into one of three states, or qualities, called, in the Sanskrit language, tama, raja and sattva.  Each characterizes a specific state of awareness and is reflected in all the ways we live our lives, including how we eat and how we make love.  By understanding these qualities, we can transform our sexual activity into a sacred event.  Instead of just grappling about, hoping for a positive outcome, we can envision physical connection as a soulful experience for the purpose of deep communion and intimacy.

Tamasic Sex
When you scratch an itch, it feels good.  Simple, uncomplicated pleasure.  Once relief is achieved, the whole matter of the itch disappears.  After a delightful moment, the itch-energy is released, and the scratching can stop.  There are rarely lasting memories or books to be written about the wonders of satisfying an itch.

Sexual energy is often treated as if it were an itch.  The energy begins to stir in your genitals.  If you’re fortunate and have a willing lover close at hand, you reach out for them, letting them know of your need.  Together, you “scratch the itch”, soon experiencing relief, a delightful release as the tingling intensifies and then dissipates through an explosion of muscular contractions.  An orgasm!  To the body, much like a welcome sneeze, which has a similar pattern of build-up, intensity and discharge.

Without a nearby lover, you may reach out for your favorite vibrator or your own hand to help bring you to that desired state of release.  Often this is satisfying, sometimes equally or more so than having the assistance of another.  After all, you sneeze by yourself.

I love having my back scratched where I can’t reach it.  While there’s certainly something intimate and personal about having my lover reach up under my shirt to scratch my back, those long handled Chinese backscratchers can do the job really well, and they always scratch exactly in the right place!

Still, when it’s over, it’s over.  The impending sneeze has reached its climax and become history.  The itch is gone.  The sexual urgency has passed.  Or has it?

Tantra, a spiritual path, originating in India, embraces sexual energy as a way of reaching blissful consciousness.  In the lexicon of Sanskrit language, sex which resembles the scratching of an itch can be referred to as tamasic sex.  Tama refers to that which is impure, heavy, low.  A diet consisting mostly of meat is considered tamasic.

Tamasic sex, in its benign form, is sexual coupling that is pretty much restricted to one partner “getting off”..  Little effort is made to provide pleasure another.  A man experiences tamasic sex when he limits his activity to the in and out thrusting of his penis; a woman when she lies passively on her back and allows him to do so.  A dutifully delivered hand-job or blow-job can also be very tamasic.  Many experience tamasic sex out of ignorance, lack of interest, or because they have had unpleasant sexual history and have shut down their sexual response, declaring it boring.  As Alexander Pope wrote:

She, while her Lover pants upon her breast,
Can mark the figures on an Indian chest.

Limited in pleasure and creativity, tamasic sex, like the sneeze or the scratching of an itch, is an organic response to a biological event.  Sex for the sake of sex.  It is functional physical exercise, and for most men, can be quite satisfying because of the resulting climax.  For women, this type of intercourse leads more to bore-gasm than orgasm.  She will often fake pleasure in order to hasten the end more quickly.

One-night stands, especially when drug or alcohol induced, are frequently tamasic in nature.  Sexual gratification is sought with no attention to relationship or spiritual nurturing.   Men have an easier time being sexually satisfied, and so generally enjoy one-night stands, or quickies, more than women.

At its lowest and most reprehensible level, tamasic sex involves rape and sexual assault.   One meaning of the word tama is anger.  Couples who together express anger and rage through their sex can push themselves deeper into the darkness of tamasic realms.  For some, this total immersion in tama actually frees them to experience the next higher level of sexual bonding.  However, the cost of this approach is heavy with emotional scarring.

Rajasic Sex
Rajasic food is hot and spicy.  Rajasic sex is passionate and energetic.  There is emotional content, and sincere effort is made to excite one’s partner.   Still orgasm-oriented, both men and women pursue the big O, the pulsating orgasm that through its intensity will propel them into the timeless moment aptly called by the French, le petit mort, the little death.   A brief escape.

A loving relationship forms a good basis for rajasic sex.   Rajasic couples engage in foreplay, exploring one another’s bodies, touching, sucking, thrusting, manipulating.  Fantasy and erotica can provide additional fuel, arousing and stimulating the body through the mind.

In rajasic sex, lovers seek to bring each other pleasure and to create pleasure for themselves.  There is a warm and tender connection between the lovers.  There is much giving and receiving.  Yet, exhilarating as it is, rajasic intensity takes place on a personal level, and at its completion can still leave each person alone with his or her own thoughts and emotions.

A rajasic lover is often driven by a need to prove herself or himself, a desire to be a good lover.  Failure, or the fear of failure can have dire effects on the ability to succeed in doing so.  The dreaded performance pressure can create a downward spiral into unhappiness.

Some relationships begin with a great deal of rajasic sex, but cannot sustain the required energy output.  Often a couple’s sexual activity becomes routine and dull, as both partners slip into a tamasic quality, with only occasional spurts of rajasic sex.

Movies are filled with hot rajasic sex.  Audiences enjoy the vicarious pleasure and excitement and then return home to the torpid, sluggish affair their own lovemaking has become.   They hunger for more passion, more intimacy, more something.  The more can be found - not in more action, but in stillness, in quietude.

Sattvic Sex
When sattvic sex takes place, there is a reversal of activity.  Instead of the headlong rush toward the release of orgasm, there is a continual renewal of energy as it circulates within and between the lovers.  The timeless moment expands with unlimited boundaries, allowing a prolonged experience of delicious and conscious awareness.   No longer is there a concern for sexual performance.  Personal pleasure is expanded to include a cosmic sense of being.  Individual satisfaction gives way to the universal presence of love.  Spiritual oneness prevails.  Sattvic sex is calm and tranquil, and can best be enjoyed in complete stillness.

The ancient teachings of Tantra are designed to bring forth this spiritual experience through sexual energy, which is honored as the sacred and vital force of life.  With only occasional movement to keep arousal alive, lovers embraced in sattvic sex find themselves able to abide together in a sustained state of deep peace.

There is a sweetness to sattvic sex.  And like a well-flavored dessert, the sweetness lasts beyond the moment, permeating the core of your being and refreshing your sense of existence.

Sattvic sex is not divorced from the realm of tamasic sex but rises upward from its physical roots into a rarified atmosphere of meditative surrender.  Couples in a relationship that is rich in sex, love and spirituality will find themselves moving in and out of these various types of sex, sometimes even during one lovemaking session.  Similarly, while the most sattvic foods are natural, uncooked vegetables and fruits, our diets usually include all types of food.

Scratching an itch brings relief.  Active love play brings relief and also provides us with a sense of being cared for, taken care of.   Conscious awakening into spiritual connection fulfills our innate yearning to know the truth of who we are.   Sattvic sex allows us to joyfully encounter what the great sages and teachers of meditation have written about.  Sattvic sex at its highest level is an impersonal experience, taking us out of our limited selves into a place where separation no longer exists.

When we enter into this third level of sexual joining with someone who is our beloved partner on the journey of life, we partake in a lasting gift of communion that endures and nourishes us on an ongoing basis.  Before sattvic sex, we may have been best friends and lovers.  After sattvic sex, we become divine mirrors for each other, reflecting our shared ecstasy and bliss.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

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