by Diana Daffner

Anytime is a good time for intimacy. Try mixing it up and being intimate at a different time each day for a week! Intimacy can only be experienced in the present moment. These moments can be part of a one-minute intimacy break or an hour-long lovemaking session. Find the time, make the time, take the time… to be intimate with one another.

1. In the Morning

Wake up to your lover’s hands gently caressing you.

2. In the Afternoon

Delightfully enjoy the sunlight draping your bodies.

3. In the Evening

Instead of watching television, look at each other. Instead of washing dishes, wash each other.

4. In the Middle of the Night

Was that a dream or did we ride among the stars together?

5. Before Dinner

Automatic oven-timers are a handy invention!

6. During Dinner

Feeding one another, by hand, as a tantric practice, what fun!

7. After Dinner

Delicious dessert!

8. When You’re Feeling Sad

Intimacy, like singing the blues, opens your soul to its intrinsic joy.

9. When You’re Feeling Lonely

Expand into intimacy, instead of contracting into separation.

10. When You’re Feeling Happy

Let the good energy take you to great places, together!

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Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

At the wedding, we each stood courageously and said, “I do!”.

Once awakened to the conscious path of relationship, both partners learn to say together, “We-Do!”.  We-Do is the path of relationship.  The practice of We-Do enhances spiritual growth and shared ecstasy.  It is about partners training together on a regular basis, with the intention of living in joyous celebration of love.

Drawing on oriental martial arts for inspiration (Aiki-do, Ju-do, Tai Kwan Do), and spiced with the eroticism of  Tantra sexuality, We-Do (pronounced wee-doe) is lighthearted, effective and easy-to-do training in love and intimacy.

When practicing Aikido (the gently powerful martial art of Japan), I ask my partner to grab my wrist in a certain way so that I can perform a specific movement, or technique.  My partner, called uke (oo-kay), responds to my request, and attempts to give me the energy, the attack, that I ask for.  Later, we switch roles, and I become uke.

As uke, I take the part of the aggressor. In Aikido, we do not act out the emotional qualities of an attack.  However, we train to deliver appropriate energy so that our partner can perform the required defensive action.  In order to deliver appropriate energy, as uke I must approach my partner with desire.  I want that wrist, I want to feel my hand encircling it, feel my skin making contact with his skin, feel our flesh touch.  My entire body becomes involved, as I move toward him, intent upon the direction of the attack.  My job is to give a particular flow of energy.  No other thoughts enter my mind. I am focused.

You may ask, how does this relate to marriage?  In the practice of We-Do, I get to describe to my partner how I would like him to touch me (and with what!).  I can ask for a specific type of touch.  Rub me lightly here.  Or, press deeply, please.  We are in this training together; we are learning to give, receive and share energy in ways that enhance our experience of life and love.  Learning to focus is one of the most important lessons. Another is learning to ask.

As in martial arts training, we can take turns.  In We-Do, as uke, I try to give to my lover the touch that he asks for.  Perhaps only my fingertips are touching, yet my body, my breath, my heart are involved.  As I reach toward him, I am intent upon the flow of energy.  No thoughts distract me. I am focused.

There is such joy both in being focused, being the one who gives attention, and in receiving, being the one who receives the touch that is longed for.  In Aikido, both partners are empowered by the resulting successful technique.  In We-Do, both partners experience the ecstasy of love.

One aspect of We-Do is called Tantra Tai Chi for Lovers.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner, M.A.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~ Mother Theresa

Even in a great relationship, we sometimes focus on what’s wrong with our partner, rather than taking time to celebrate the love we share. Among the thousands of thoughts that pass through our minds each day, there are those that cause us to momentarily forget our positive feelings, to temporarily engage in negative criticisms and judgments. Most of us have these fleeting-or not so fleeting-thoughts. In fact, they are usually the same ones over and over. “She’s so disorganized.” “He’s late again.” “Can’t do anything right.” In our minds, and sometimes out loud, we judge and belittle our partner for being who they are.

In any moment we are criticizing our partner, we are not experiencing love or benefiting from love’s grace. Each negative thought takes precious time and energy that could otherwise be enjoyed in love.

Perhaps, just as “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,” our criticisms say more about us than about the person who is the object of our complaint. Could we indeed be projecting our own inadequacies, fears, discomforts and standards onto our partner? Could the “flaws” we perceive in his or her personality actually be mirrors that show us hidden parts of our own self?

Is it also possible that these differences or “flaws” that catch our attention are part of what attracted us in the first place? Maybe now you think she talks too much, but when you first met, did you adore her lively personality? And maybe you think he doesn’t take things seriously enough, but was it his carefree approach to life that won you over in the first place?

We can learn to acknowledge and take back responsibility for any “should’ing” we do on our partners. (She shouldn’t talk so much. He should be more organized.) There are many tools and techniques, practices and processes for soul searching and self-examination. When I do that, when I invest the time to bring myself back to an awakened consciousness, I always rediscover love. When I take the time to uncover the personal projection that my judgment is based on, I eventually reach the conclusion that my husband is perfect, just as he is. I realize that he is, as I am, an exquisitely unique manifestation of divine energy. I remember that he is not only my Beloved but also the most perfect self he can be. He is himself. He is perfect.

So whenever a judgmental thought about my husband pops up, I now use it as a reminder of how wonderful and perfect he is. I smile and quickly tell him, “You’re perfect.” The thought alone, and even more so, saying it to him aloud, allows me to once again hear my heart’s ongoing song of love.

My husband, instead of feeling attacked and needing to defend himself, inevitably responds to me with his own smile. Our hearts are joined. Any feedback or request, if it still feels important to make, can then be communicated and heard within the space of our love.

Similarly, when a judgmental thought about my own personal imperfection arises, I immediately use it as a reminder to tell myself, “I’m amazing!” Rather than having to navigate through all the negative rumbling to finally arrive at my real truth, this short affirmation jumps me there instantly. Why waste time dumping on myself when, in the end, I know I will arrive at the conclusion that “I am amazing!” I chose instead to shift immediately to the felt sense of love that already exists within me.

I can also forestall any bemoaning of our failings as a couple. “We’re a great team.” We’re doing the best we can. That’s our truth.

Of course, sometimes I forget to jump to the conclusion of love and instead spend time in judgment. But as I remember more and more often, my Beloved is thrilled, our relationship is nourished, and love shouts across the sky.

To use this jumping-to-conclusion approach, test out different words, sense what phrases work best for you in acknowledging your partner, yourself and your relationship. How would you describe your Beloved in his or her ultimate entirety? Perfect? Amazing? Fabulous? Try them each out. You’re perfect. You’re amazing. You’re fabulous!

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

Many couples find that their lovemaking, perhaps hot and passionate at one time, has now become unbearably infrequent - for known or unknown reasons - or has entered the all too common 3-2-1 phase: 3 minutes of foreplay, 2 minutes of intercourse and 1 orgasm, usually his.

Your experience may differ - same pattern, more (or less) time, or maybe both of you do reach climax but are still missing that hoped-for feeling of “intimacy,” that deep soul connection that you want to share with your partner.

Congratulations! If you are reading this, you are among the forefront of couples who realize that your relationship has the potential to be a fabulous vehicle for joyous love! And you want to turn that possibility into a real experience, one that you can create at will, and enjoy on a regular basis.

In the past, we didn’t demand so much from our relationships. Marriage was mainly expected to provide comfort and safety, financially and socially, for us and our children. Now we want more. We want happiness. The dictionary definition of happiness says that it is characterized by good luck; fortunate. As if it didn’t depend on us, as if happiness is kind of like the lottery, something you hope to win.

Ancient spiritual teachings present a different notion of happiness, one that is especially accessible to would-be lovers. The path of Tantra suggests that we are happiest, filled with an abiding sense of bliss, when we are in touch with our inner vitality, the subtle energy of our life force.

Most importantly, for those of us committed to the journey of relationship, when we align this inner energy with our partner’s, when we consciously join in a Synchronized Energy eXchange, we are rewarded with a heightened union of intimacy, a deep happiness in the sexual core of our being.

So what is Synchronized Energy eXchange? It is an easy process of centering ourselves, and allowing our partner, our beloved, to be there with us. It is an approach to lovemaking that turns us away from the endless pursuit of climax and instead turns us toward the transcendent love within our hearts.

Today’s scientific findings gives support to the ancient teachings. Intimacy is good for us, it floods our bodies with neurochemicals that strengthen our health and well-being.

When you attend an Intimacy Retreat, you learn to develop Synchronized Energy eXchange through Tantra Tai Chi and other practices specifically designed to create emotional closeness and sexual fulfillment. You learn about Peaceful Passion. You can also read about all of this in the book, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples.

Take your relationship to a new level by approaching SEX as a Synchronized Energy eXchange!

Our audio-CD, “Lessons in Intimacy…The Lover’s Touch” provides you with an at-home guided experience.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

Soulful loving includes romance, yet is more than romance. Soulful loving includes sex, yet is more than sex. Soulful loving is embracing your Beloved in body, heart and mind, allowing the deepest part of your being to be seen and touched. Soulful loving has an enduring quality, its effects lasting far longer than the moment itself. When soulful loving is part of our life, it affects every part of our life, infusing our days with a brightness that comes from within. At night, we sleep with the innocence and peacefulness of deep contentment.

Soulful loving takes place when our sexual energy merges with the flow of love in our hearts. We look into our Beloved’s eyes and see a reflection of our own happiness.

The delicious merging of love and sex can happen spontaneously, especially when two people are newly in love. Driven by hormones and desire, their bodies and hearts bond together with thrilling excitement and tender joy.

Sometimes it is inspired by the exquisite beauty of nature or an especially meaningful occasion. In front of the fireplace on a rustic winter holiday, at home after toasting a particularly happy anniversary…

Soulful loving is what we hope to experience with our chosen life partner, why we walk down the aisle, why we bravely step into the challenging path of committed relationship.

Yet, too often, the comfort of no longer needing to attract or court our partner leads to a deficit of soul-bonding and a withering of such intimate moments.

A Chinese proverb states that “Young love is of the earth; mature love is from heaven.”

Mature love demonstrates a ripening of sexual and spiritual knowledge and skills. In a long-term committed relationship, mature soulful loving may require some conscious intention and a little training, but it is well worth the effort! And it is equally, if not more, rewarding, than at the beginning.

Purposefully raising the vibration, the frequency and the pleasure of sexual activity in your relationship can bring incredibly powerful and joyous benefits to body, mind and spirit!

But how do you do that, you may ask? How do you find the time, the interest, the desire, the skill for soulful loving?

There is a growing library of books to read, workshops to attend. There is the laboratory of your own bedroom, your own sacred space. Soulful loving is a sexual joining that begins with intention, rather than arousal. And, unlike the conventional pattern of sex play, which ends with the separate release of genital tension, soulful loving concludes with both partners in a shared and heightened state of spiritual union! Orgasm is transformed into an ongoing experience of energy flow and bliss, rather than an individual objective or ending point.

Tantra, an ancient spiritual teaching, provides us with tools and practices that help us bring our full attention to the present moment. Whether it is the taste of a strawberry or the touch of wind on our skin, the scent of our Beloved, or the softness of silk sheets, each moment becomes “Tantric” when experienced fully. Even so-called negative emotions, such as anger and fear, can be encountered as the sensory truth of the moment. All experience becomes a doorway through which we can step out of our personal story of separation and into a spiritual experience of oneness and authentic presence.

We don’t have to wait for the starlit night or the candlelight dinner, although either or both may help create a supportive atmosphere. Soulful loving with a Beloved is the activity of being present and sexual, open and receptive. It is about being alive in all of our senses, aware of our internal energy and passionate and communicative about our commitment to one another, and to our own soul.

© Copyright 2002 Diana Daffner.  All Rights Reserved.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

Men enjoy sex. (Yes, of course, that’s a generalization.) They appreciate sex as a release, a satisfying outlet for their masculine energy. They rarely question whether or not it’s good for them. (At least, not since they learned they wouldn’t go blind…) They may suspect that women have different feelings about it but they’re not really sure what that means or what to do about it. They think that if they have sex with their partner, any emotional distancing will be resolved or dissolved and they’ll both feel intimate again.

Of course, men don’t actually use words like “emotionally distant” but they do recognize when they feel intimate with their spouse, their partner. It’s not always or only about sex. They might be aware of a special shared intimacy while gazing together at their sleeping child, or a beautiful sunset. However, men are mostly aware of feeling intimate during actual physical intimacy.

I (Richard) am probably typical of most men - we define intimacy as the act of being intimate. I (Diana) consider this a circular definition.

Women like to feel intimate before having sex. They appreciate sex as a loving expression of intimate commitment, a manifestation of their heart’s longing for closeness.

Yes, another generalization. There are many men with low sexual interest and lots of women who enjoy recreational sex without needing to feel intimate. For the rest of us though, the above generalizations seems to be pretty accurate.

So, unfortunately, couples often find themselves on opposite sides of a gender divide. Which should come first, the emotional experience of intimacy or the intimately physical activity itself? Or, more directly put, the heart or the genitals? There we go again - using non-male language. Guys rarely talk in terms of their “heart.” They’re much more likely to think that their emotions are stored in - and expressed through - their genitals. (”See how much I love you?!”)

Women, on the other hand, are more inclined to express emotions verbally. They often feel compelled to engage a male partner in emotionally-laden dialog. This is a challenge for most guys. Recent research shows that due to brain wiring, men may be less able than women to feel and speak at the same time.

Luckily, there is hope for this “Mars” and “Venus” dilemma. An ancient spiritual path from India, called Tantra, has come to the rescue of relationships caught in the confusion of stereotypical masculine/feminine viewpoints. Couples can learn to merge the intention and the action, the feeling and the behavior of intimacy. They can learn to share their love in a way that touches the true essence behind his physical desire and her emotional longing.

Tantra was not originally designed as a marital enhancement program. It was meant to lead its practitioners to enlightenment. Yet these teachings, as well as similar teachings from other cultures, present the concept that our life force is fueled by sexual energy. You may be familiar with chakras - energy centers represented in the body at key positions along the spinal column. Well, the first chakra is found right at the base of the pelvic floor. Touching that very first chakra clearly falls within the boundaries defined by intimate activity.

Sexual energy is said to rise up (no pun) from the lower to the higher chakras. Midway up the body is found the heart chakra, in the center of the chest area. Vibrating with the frequency of universal and unconditional love, an open heart chakra also clears the way for the more personal love that a couple shares.

The old adage, the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, was almost right. A little lower is probably more accurate. When a man is invited to explore his heart via a sexual experience, the connected pathway opens and expands to the mutual delight of both partners! The resulting embrace, the merging of soul to soul, is a delight that resonates way beyond both the physical and the emotional. It can literally take a couple into true spiritual union.

Tantra expects its practitioners to recognize the sacred in all of life. When intimate partners regard one another as truly sacred, the whole tone and purpose of lovemaking changes.

Tantric lovemaking validates the male logic that sexual connection is a doorway to intimate bonding. At the same time, through intentional, eyes-open focus, it endorses the female knowing that a deep level of heart-felt intimacy and presence is what puts the love into lovemaking.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

What type of sex are you having?

Ancient texts from India describe human activity as falling into one of three states, or qualities, called, in the Sanskrit language, tama, raja and sattva.  Each characterizes a specific state of awareness and is reflected in all the ways we live our lives, including how we eat and how we make love.  By understanding these qualities, we can transform our sexual activity into a sacred event.  Instead of just grappling about, hoping for a positive outcome, we can envision physical connection as a soulful experience for the purpose of deep communion and intimacy.

Tamasic Sex
When you scratch an itch, it feels good.  Simple, uncomplicated pleasure.  Once relief is achieved, the whole matter of the itch disappears.  After a delightful moment, the itch-energy is released, and the scratching can stop.  There are rarely lasting memories or books to be written about the wonders of satisfying an itch.

Sexual energy is often treated as if it were an itch.  The energy begins to stir in your genitals.  If you’re fortunate and have a willing lover close at hand, you reach out for them, letting them know of your need.  Together, you “scratch the itch”, soon experiencing relief, a delightful release as the tingling intensifies and then dissipates through an explosion of muscular contractions.  An orgasm!  To the body, much like a welcome sneeze, which has a similar pattern of build-up, intensity and discharge.

Without a nearby lover, you may reach out for your favorite vibrator or your own hand to help bring you to that desired state of release.  Often this is satisfying, sometimes equally or more so than having the assistance of another.  After all, you sneeze by yourself.

I love having my back scratched where I can’t reach it.  While there’s certainly something intimate and personal about having my lover reach up under my shirt to scratch my back, those long handled Chinese backscratchers can do the job really well, and they always scratch exactly in the right place!

Still, when it’s over, it’s over.  The impending sneeze has reached its climax and become history.  The itch is gone.  The sexual urgency has passed.  Or has it?

Tantra, a spiritual path, originating in India, embraces sexual energy as a way of reaching blissful consciousness.  In the lexicon of Sanskrit language, sex which resembles the scratching of an itch can be referred to as tamasic sex.  Tama refers to that which is impure, heavy, low.  A diet consisting mostly of meat is considered tamasic.

Tamasic sex, in its benign form, is sexual coupling that is pretty much restricted to one partner “getting off”..  Little effort is made to provide pleasure another.  A man experiences tamasic sex when he limits his activity to the in and out thrusting of his penis; a woman when she lies passively on her back and allows him to do so.  A dutifully delivered hand-job or blow-job can also be very tamasic.  Many experience tamasic sex out of ignorance, lack of interest, or because they have had unpleasant sexual history and have shut down their sexual response, declaring it boring.  As Alexander Pope wrote:

She, while her Lover pants upon her breast,
Can mark the figures on an Indian chest.

Limited in pleasure and creativity, tamasic sex, like the sneeze or the scratching of an itch, is an organic response to a biological event.  Sex for the sake of sex.  It is functional physical exercise, and for most men, can be quite satisfying because of the resulting climax.  For women, this type of intercourse leads more to bore-gasm than orgasm.  She will often fake pleasure in order to hasten the end more quickly.

One-night stands, especially when drug or alcohol induced, are frequently tamasic in nature.  Sexual gratification is sought with no attention to relationship or spiritual nurturing.   Men have an easier time being sexually satisfied, and so generally enjoy one-night stands, or quickies, more than women.

At its lowest and most reprehensible level, tamasic sex involves rape and sexual assault.   One meaning of the word tama is anger.  Couples who together express anger and rage through their sex can push themselves deeper into the darkness of tamasic realms.  For some, this total immersion in tama actually frees them to experience the next higher level of sexual bonding.  However, the cost of this approach is heavy with emotional scarring.

Rajasic Sex
Rajasic food is hot and spicy.  Rajasic sex is passionate and energetic.  There is emotional content, and sincere effort is made to excite one’s partner.   Still orgasm-oriented, both men and women pursue the big O, the pulsating orgasm that through its intensity will propel them into the timeless moment aptly called by the French, le petit mort, the little death.   A brief escape.

A loving relationship forms a good basis for rajasic sex.   Rajasic couples engage in foreplay, exploring one another’s bodies, touching, sucking, thrusting, manipulating.  Fantasy and erotica can provide additional fuel, arousing and stimulating the body through the mind.

In rajasic sex, lovers seek to bring each other pleasure and to create pleasure for themselves.  There is a warm and tender connection between the lovers.  There is much giving and receiving.  Yet, exhilarating as it is, rajasic intensity takes place on a personal level, and at its completion can still leave each person alone with his or her own thoughts and emotions.

A rajasic lover is often driven by a need to prove herself or himself, a desire to be a good lover.  Failure, or the fear of failure can have dire effects on the ability to succeed in doing so.  The dreaded performance pressure can create a downward spiral into unhappiness.

Some relationships begin with a great deal of rajasic sex, but cannot sustain the required energy output.  Often a couple’s sexual activity becomes routine and dull, as both partners slip into a tamasic quality, with only occasional spurts of rajasic sex.

Movies are filled with hot rajasic sex.  Audiences enjoy the vicarious pleasure and excitement and then return home to the torpid, sluggish affair their own lovemaking has become.   They hunger for more passion, more intimacy, more something.  The more can be found - not in more action, but in stillness, in quietude.

Sattvic Sex
When sattvic sex takes place, there is a reversal of activity.  Instead of the headlong rush toward the release of orgasm, there is a continual renewal of energy as it circulates within and between the lovers.  The timeless moment expands with unlimited boundaries, allowing a prolonged experience of delicious and conscious awareness.   No longer is there a concern for sexual performance.  Personal pleasure is expanded to include a cosmic sense of being.  Individual satisfaction gives way to the universal presence of love.  Spiritual oneness prevails.  Sattvic sex is calm and tranquil, and can best be enjoyed in complete stillness.

The ancient teachings of Tantra are designed to bring forth this spiritual experience through sexual energy, which is honored as the sacred and vital force of life.  With only occasional movement to keep arousal alive, lovers embraced in sattvic sex find themselves able to abide together in a sustained state of deep peace.

There is a sweetness to sattvic sex.  And like a well-flavored dessert, the sweetness lasts beyond the moment, permeating the core of your being and refreshing your sense of existence.

Sattvic sex is not divorced from the realm of tamasic sex but rises upward from its physical roots into a rarified atmosphere of meditative surrender.  Couples in a relationship that is rich in sex, love and spirituality will find themselves moving in and out of these various types of sex, sometimes even during one lovemaking session.  Similarly, while the most sattvic foods are natural, uncooked vegetables and fruits, our diets usually include all types of food.

Scratching an itch brings relief.  Active love play brings relief and also provides us with a sense of being cared for, taken care of.   Conscious awakening into spiritual connection fulfills our innate yearning to know the truth of who we are.   Sattvic sex allows us to joyfully encounter what the great sages and teachers of meditation have written about.  Sattvic sex at its highest level is an impersonal experience, taking us out of our limited selves into a place where separation no longer exists.

When we enter into this third level of sexual joining with someone who is our beloved partner on the journey of life, we partake in a lasting gift of communion that endures and nourishes us on an ongoing basis.  Before sattvic sex, we may have been best friends and lovers.  After sattvic sex, we become divine mirrors for each other, reflecting our shared ecstasy and bliss.

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

by Diana Daffner

Tantra is an ancient Sanskrit word, meaning “to weave or to expand.” In tantric sex, we weave and expand our energy with our love partner, for the purpose of opening up to the entire universe. Shaped variously by Hindu and Buddhist traditions, sometimes constricted by Confucianism, Tantra in its widest meaning describes an approach to living that links the physical universe to the cosmic whole.

Sexuality, the most physical and intimate of human interactions, is thus seen a sacred activity, continuously reenacting the original creation of the universe. The First One, separating from Itself to know Itself, embracing Itself to experience Itself.

Tantra proposes that each one of us must undergo within ourselves this total union, a joining of the female and male within us. And when love partners dance the path of Tantra together, the relationship is transformed into a sacred journey to Oneness.

Tantra describes a movement of energy, a welling up within us, of joyous excitation. Unlike forms of meditation that cause us to withdraw from the world of senses, Tantra encourages us to start with the senses, building on their ability to focus us in the present moment.

This energy need not be explicitly sexual; all sensual experience is appreciated as a tool for awakening the energy within us.  In the moment that we shift from overt physical pleasure to an internal joy, to a focus on the internal movement of energy, the subtle nature of our being is exposed and Tantra takes place. Nor does Tantra exclude experiences which are not overtly pleasurable; this same internal shift of focus can take place as we experience outward pain, even death.

Tantra occurs only in the present moment; yesterday’s experience has no relevance.

When I smell a rose, I smell it in this moment, not yesterday or tomorrow, but right now, right here. And if I embrace that moment of smelling the rose as the prelude to a spiritual experience, if I invite the rose-smelling into my total being, aware both of the scent and my total bodily response to the scent, aware of the softness of the petals and the rose energy in my heart, then in that moment I am open to the fullness of who I am. This is Tantra.

And if you and I both smell the rose together, and sharing that experience, dissolve our separateness into an infinite Oneness, then together we experience Tantra.

Tantra brings poetry to lovemaking. When my lover caresses my face and our eyes meet and we breathe together and acknowledge our rising passion, sense our hearts joining and our spirits soaring, the energy rising through the power centers of our bodies, this is Tantra.

Some spiritual paths teach us to deny, to say not this, not that; they teach that who we are is not the body, not the mind, not our actions, not our thoughts. Stripped of what we are not, these paths allow us to see the emergence of who we may be. Tantra takes the seemingly opposite approach and teaches us to say YES! to this, YES! to that. I smell the rose and I am that experience, my lover touches me and I am that experience, there is nothing that I am not, I am everything. All experience can be a doorway to who I am, provided I focus on the experience itself, with the intention of energetic awareness.

To learn and benefit deeply from Tantra, we must practice being still, undistracted. When I am smelling the rose, I smell the rose.

To make love in the Tantra way means to be fully present, to allow each moment to be the entire experience. In Tantric lovemaking, there is no goal, no race toward release or orgasm.  Instead, there is complete attention to each touch, each breath, each movement of energy.

Every moment in our lives can be shaped by Tantra, can be lived in fullness and acceptance.

However, our minds, our thoughts, are constantly darting here and there. We are consumed with busy-ness, at our jobs, at school, taking care of our children, our home, our parents. Birthday parties.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, funerals. We are bombarded by input from phone, TV, fax, e-mail and junk mail. Bills.

When we finally get away on vacation, often as not we’re busy skiing or snorkeling, eating, shopping, museuming, being transported from place to place.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off! But first, I need a haircut, car wash, new blouse, shoe repair, show to see, and of course, those bills to pay. Our lives are structured around busy-ness, not around living in the moment.

While we are skiing, or snorkeling, or playing tennis, basketball, or golf, the world does disappear, leaving only the action of the sport. This is the attraction of athletics. It is a natural occurrence.

But how do we make time for a momentary tantric relationship with a flower, let alone an hour with our lover? How do we say Yes! to each moment, when the next moment is already here and then gone?

We need to do even more than make time to smell the roses. We need to learn how to let the scent permeate into our belly, deepening our breath and opening our heart to the expansiveness of spiritual experience.

Athletic pursuits require practice and training. They are designed to take place in a zone outside of daily living.  Tantra provides us a way of living daily in that zone.

An Intimacy Retreat is a great way of starting on the Tantric path with your lover!

Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads “Intimacy Retreats” for couples and provides coaching in sexual intimacy as a spiritual path. The Daffners are the authors of  Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. They originated the Tantra Tai Chi™ program, a partnered movement practice to enhance intimacy in body, heart and soul. For a schedule of workshops, visit www.IntimacyRetreats.com or call 1-877-282-4244 (tollfree).

You may be awesome in something. If you think you are smart then make sure that you show it off. If you think you have the ability to make some one laugh then go ahead make her laugh.

In case you are good in sport, and then demonstrate it.

Let people know that you are different. Widen your horizon. If you feel that you do not have a prospect then think again and look into another direction. If you like sports then look for people with similar liking and hang out with them. Look fro someone with whom you would find it easy to talk. A successful relationship starts with communication. If you fail to do so you may lose the relationship.

First step that you should take is to communicate effectively with your partner. First start by simple talking and the make a friend out of that special person. Girls are usually circumspect while jumping into new commitments. Make sure that you find a reason to talk. Make sure that both of you are willing to exchange conversations.

Don’t make a third person a medium. Be yourself and express your feelings directly. Make sure that you don’t lie at the beginning of your relationship as this may be disastrous. You would be heart broken when you would find yourself lonely.

Convey your feeling. Make sure that the right kind of emotion is transferred. Flirting is a healthy social and playful activity but it may be reciprocated only in some cases. If you get the right kind of emotion then it may help you to build a successful relationship. Don’t be sad if it doesn’t pay back.

Take things slowly. Don’t show any kind of desperation. This may spoil it for you. When you take things easy you may be open to lots of surprises. You may be surprised that your special person may ask you out for a date!

Make sure you don’t get the wrong vibe. Once you know that a formidable base is made you can go beyond. Make sure that you continue having a normal routine. Don’t make your life revolve around that special some one. The person you may start loving may want you and not a clone of themselves. So it is important that you remain yourself truly as this would be highly appreciated.